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Jul. 4th, 2005 @ 09:17 pm co-dependence day
The conditions of a solitary bird are five:
The first, that it flies to the highest point;
the second, that it does not suffer for company, not even of its own kind;
the third, that it aims its beak to the skies;
the fourth, that it doesn't have a definite colour;
the fifth, that it sings very softly.
- San Juan de la Cruz
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Daerkness
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Sep. 6th, 2004 @ 08:14 am last entry
Current Mood: very fucking annoyed
Current Music: PM Dawn- "Set adrift on memory bliss"
time has come for me to close this book like I closed the book of Croccifixio. thanks to all who read and understood what I was writing here.

later.
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Light
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Aug. 28th, 2004 @ 02:38 am "working" by vIRUS-
Current Mood: okayokay
Current Music: C-tec- "stateless"
"working" by vIRUS-

you up
or out
or asleep
dreaming
walking
dancing
flying
the distant pounding of music calls to me
i close my eyes and think of where you are
skating
freefalling
diving
screaming
crying
am I up
the distant pounging of my heart deafening me
I close my eyes and forget where I am
working
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Pain and Lost
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Aug. 27th, 2004 @ 07:00 am "lsd" by vIRUS-
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Current Music: Download- "this is quality grass"
"lsd" by vIRUS-

where the hell am i?
time to dance and dream my friends
running away from blinding sunlight
what day is it that I am now remembering
crawling on the floor to sound of Psychic TV.
the innocence of ignorance and careless smiles
such a beautiful way to spend my day
more now faster harder slower quicker stop
a broken record player at 999 rpms
blue light behind black goggled eyes
aliens bouncing high into the sky
a ceiling waving like an oceans tide
man what the hell was in that drink.
I wanna go home.
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Daerkness
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Aug. 26th, 2004 @ 05:50 am "fetish night saturday and nothing to wear" by BMFD vIRUS-
Current Mood: lethargiclethargic
Current Music: [active] media disease- "skin"
"fetish night saturday and nothing to wear" by BMFD vIRUS-

work sucks.
meetings making me stay late at work sucks.
fetish night saturday night and nothing to wear.
it appears my robert smith look-alike freak bastard days are waning.
but winter is coming.
cold weather.
vacation time.
dreams of big ass 32oz. white russian qualudes dancing in my head.
pictures of the vIRUS- or by the vIRUS- snapped away.
flowing in the soundscape.
dancing in my square.
silver spikes.
water sleeps.
soldiers live.
shadows linger.
dreams of steel.
i need to be beaten.
I need to beat someone.
dreams or nightmares.
Welcome to the worst nightmare of them all.

reality.
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Light
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Aug. 22nd, 2004 @ 11:47 am "Smile" by BMFD vIRUS-
Current Mood: listlesslistless
Current Music: Wumpscut- "Opening the Gates of Hell"
"Smile" by BMFD vIRUS-

These dreams I dream, visions of the past, faded grey waters
that are clouded by the mists of time and fogs of selective memory.
I grow more and more detached, more absent, with each day alone.
The months pass by in a flash of momentary spiraling vertigo,
yet each day seems to drag on and on for a snails pace eternity.
I can only look back upon the single snapshots that have passed by.
Each mistake categorized and analyzed and legitimized and ultimately
stored away as yet another lesson learned on the study of human nature.
The roots of failure come not from outside, not from the world or body,
but from the failings of the human mind, the self, the ego at its worst.
Both the best and worst drug that contaminates the mind is the heart
as it strives to overcome reason and logic with dreams and fantasies.
Yet the two are married for life in a constant imbalance of perfection,
the action and reaction, the dark and the light. The beauty of humanity.
You cannot have one without the other no matter how hard you try,
there are too many of me to kill and too many pictures to be taken.
Time is relative. Life is related. Love is an illusion. Pain is lasting.
To forget is to fail in your class this semester on this stage.
To forgive is to move on to the next level in this eternal game.
To hell with the darkness. To hell with the light. To hell with judging.
I am content with a smile.
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Aug. 21st, 2004 @ 03:19 am "Empty Dive" by BMFD vIRUS-
Current Mood: predatory
Current Music: X-Fusion- "I don't want"
"Empty Dive" by BMFD vIRUS-

empty and peaceful on the lake of tranquility
i cross reference all the patterns and threads
changing the facts from dreams and nightmares
to suit the best possible dimensions of reality
I prepare and anticipate the worst you can offer
while the heart blindly hopes and cradles the soul
empty and drained watching for fleeting smiles
I can only wonder why my eyes shifted to this vision
many paths and roads leading to one and all horizons
chosing the path of most resistance and likely strife
I cross reference all the patterns and threads
and set out again beyond the misty borders of the real
to where dreams are born and time bends the light
I run my fingers through my hair, close my eyes, and dive.
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Pain and Lost
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Aug. 19th, 2004 @ 12:41 am "Eulogy"- by Croccifixio Constantine Caduto
Current Mood: energeticenergetic
Current Music: Gary Numan- "Angel Wars"
[I wrote this a year and a half ago before my march 23,2003 gala event. I never posted it due to the sad nature of it if taken out of context. Those that know what that day was will understand. :) -BMFD vIRUS-]

"eulogy"- by Croccifixio Constantine Caduto

not often does one have the chance to see death coming.
it is often tragic and swift in its execution and embrace.
There are few that know me at this time and in this place.
But those few that do, and those fewer still who seem to care,
do not mourn for my passing. Do not regret my ascension from this flesh.

I have played in the snow as a child and felt chilled flakes upon my cheek.
I have run across an unkempt field chasing dragonflies and grasshoppers.
I have danced with a beautiful girl in a red dress and fallen in love.
I have watched the world change as new ages have come and gone.
I have traversed hell in search of heaven and found serenity in myself.
I have listened to Mozart in the darkness and been brought to tears.
I have lost everything only to find that all I need is in my heart.
I have climbed crab-apple trees and slept of a bed of green grass.
I have loved so deeply and hated so fiercely but always lived with hope.
I have walked most of this land and see the beauty that hides within.
I have seen the darkest side of my nature and found the strength to survive.

It has been endless ages for me that I have lived the dreams of a Vicious Goddess.
It is endless ages that I will live within the hearts and minds of friends.
Do not mourn for my passing. Do not regret my ascension from this flesh.
I am letting it all go, and I am alive.
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Daerkness
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Aug. 17th, 2004 @ 01:27 am "Standing Here Walking Away"- by BMFD vIRUS-
Current Mood: loopy
Current Music: Therapy?- "Misery"
"Standing Here Walking Away"- by BMFD vIRUS-

how many times have I found myself standing here?
A hundred. A thousand. Perhaps only one time.
There is always a cool breeze drifting in across the water
accompanied by the blue black waves and smells of the sea.
The stars dim so quickly, yet slow enough as to be imperceptable
to the naked eyes beholding the transmogrification.
I draw deeply from my cigarette, slowly obsorbing the heat
into my frigid lungs. The cold winter air invigorating
even as it is the killing breath of a sleeping goddess.
I have missed these cold northern moments before the dawn.
The world is so silent and sleeping, even the trees hold
still and lifeless in this white shrouded landscape.
My black coat keeps me warm enough but not to the point
of comfort, though the urge to lay and sleep is ever present.
In the back of my mind, or deep in my heart perhaps, I
hear a soft melody calling to me with radiant promises.
The dawn only moments away I turn and leave this frozen
and barren beach, and the music fades, the beauty falls.
I seek the shelter of the shadows and await the next morning.
Tomorrow I will catch the song and dance upon its notes
and I will fear no longer the light of day or the beauty
of the world under the sun.
How many times have I found myself walking away?
A hundred. A thousand. Perhaps only one time.
It is just a dream I have.
From time to time.
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Aug. 15th, 2004 @ 01:56 am "priestess"- by BMFD vIRUS-
Current Mood: more bored
Current Music: Hocico- "distorted face"
"priestess"- by BMFD vIRUS-

clawing at the walls of this place
my heart so ineffective against its cage
demons tear at the inevitability of logic
rushing headlong into daerkness and dreams
oh how I remember the harpys claws rending
broken but not stirred the blood boils
i thirst in this cage of crystal shards
squatting in a corner ready to love savagely
only these invisible chains of honor and guilt
my primal screams, of the starving, the dying
the dragon on my chest breathing fire within
my fingers bleeding I can claw no more
closing my eyes shows me the same as open
abstinence is a dish best served never
the song singing in my blood growing softer
but you can hear its faint echo now
my fangs ache as I fall asleep in this place
this hell I have created for myself
where I am safe.
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Daerkness
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